Many Blessings: Looking Back and Looking Forward

I remember shopping for rubber stamps in the months before my diagnosis with Ankylosing Spondylitis in 2010. I wandered the aisles of Craft Warehouse and selected a package that inspired me. The stamps were of cherry blossoms and soaring birds, with words like {Many Blessings} and Bloom and I decided right then and there in that aisle that I would do just that.

I decided that no matter what came with my health and my joints and ability to walk, I would keep growing and live joyfully and I would try to live my life in such a way that people watching could be inspired.

Because we all have battles, don't we?

Today I was doing some journaling. I got out some stamps and ink pads, and stamped the words from that package of stamps on heavy ivory pages and I remembered that time so clearly. I remembered the fear and the worry, the new symptoms that popped up frequently (autoimmunity is like a circus, you just never know what new and colorful thing will surprise you next), the months between when my primary care doctor said she was certain I had AS and 3-4 months later when my rheumatologist confirmed the diagnosis.

I remembered reading posts by Sara Frankl, and being strengthened by her attitude of daily joy regardless of the circumstances. I filled myself that summer, reading inspiring things, feasting on outdoor beauty, and journaling my own feelings and declarations that no matter what came, I would grow and I would fight and I would live my best life.

For me, it's important to look back and remember the milestones. It's important to regularly think about the choice and commitment I've made to find a way to weave beauty, inspiration, courage and my dreams into my reality.

I'm thankful for books and blog posts that have kept me inspired. I'm thankful for the example of how others fight their battles.

I feel buoyed by the realization that I have done the best I could so far, and that I have kept a joyful, thankful outlook. I'm thankful for everything and everyone and the One who have helped me do that. I'm also thankful for grace when I can't fight for a day or two and need some time to just grieve what the reality is.

I choose again today to continue to live with as much courage and strength as I can muster, to offer grace to those around me and to myself when needed, to use my words to heal and uplift, not to harm.

I choose again to keep fighting to make my dreams reality, even when my reality is heavy and hard.

Lessons of the Forest

Yesterday afternoon we went on a picnic at a nearby forestry center. What a beautiful place! We walked around the grounds, enjoyed a yummy lunch, waded in cool river water (being careful not to slip on the slimy rocks) and enjoyed the 89 degree sun.

The forest we visited had been completely destroyed by massive fires in the 1930s and '40s and all of the trees surrounding us were relative babies, as trees go, having been planted by busloads of school children and youth groups after the fires decimated the area. There was doubt as to whether the replanting would work, as elk would come along and eat two out of every three new trees. Now you wouldn't know that the forest had been consumed repeatedly by flames, and that there was nothing left but black chard; there's no trace of the fiery inferno or its total destruction.

The trees stand tall and straight, providing shade and cool patches and meandering hiking trails. There are picnic tables and benches and paths and a visitor's center and a beautiful river.

I am always inspired by water. I love the see the ocean and whenever I'm on vacation near the sea I begin to have phrases and words and sentences and ideas come to mind. The ocean is powerful and vast and I can't help but be inspired by its sheer presence. It seems to put into perspective whatever problems I carried when I arrived.

The forest and its trees had a similar effect, and I have been thinking all day about our time there yesterday and looking forward to another visit. I felt such hope there -- knowing everything around me had once been burned down, and was now growing, thriving, green and healthy.

I am still not feeling well, and am currently waiting to see a rheumatologist. My appointment is not until late September, but I am on a cancellation list. I am still having swelling, pain, stiffness, and low grade fever every day. I am more tired than usual and don't sleep as well. I am trying some supplements and dietary changes in the meantime, hoping to alleviate some of the symptoms. I've recently decided to try vastly reducing, or eliminating altogether, my intake of wheat and dairy, (no small decision for this lover of carbs and cheese) as they are thought to cause inflammation, which is the root of many autoimmune diseases.

Today the Live Art.fully Facebook page hit 200 fans. Live Art.fully is still a baby, less than a year old, and in celebration of having over 200 fans now, I wanted to have cupcakes. My husband found me gluten-free chocolate cake mix and chocolate frosting without dairy or gluten, and we were in business!

We made cupcakes and dinner and had friends over. Any evening with good food, good friends, laughter, support, music, holding babies, and chocolate is ok with me.

I don't know what my life will look like in the future. I don't know if my joints will deform or my spine will fuse. I don't know if I'll be able to maintain good health or if I'll need to let some things go. It's sometimes hard to wait to be diagnosed. There's some fear. But I plan to live my life, enjoying everything I can still do, to the best of my ability. I will try to maintain my humor and joy throughout the process.

I can have my cake and eat it too (even if it is gluten-free!) And if inflammation burns through my body, causing destruction and wreaking havoc, I will keep searching for ways to rebuild.