On Listening and Learning

"God has not only read your story, He wrote it."

Max Lucado

Over a year ago, God planted the seed of an idea in my heart. The idea to homeschool my daughters. While I've always known that I desired to be a mother, and that motherhood was, in fact, my greatest dream in life, I never thought I would homeschool.

When the idea began to take root and grow, I searched and searched for the origin. Where did it come from? I spoke with trusted people in my life, journaled and journaled and journaled about it, made lists of pros and cons, researched alternatives, researched curricula, and read books on homeschooling. I couldn't shake the idea that this was what I should do. 

After months of grappling, I finally made the decision to homeschool. This decision brought indescribable peace.

Shortly afterward, I was hit with my first major, unrelenting flare. I have not felt well for over a year now. Last summer was spent at multiple doctors' offices, having lab work done, waiting for results, waiting for consults. And shortly after we began our homeschool year, I was diagnosed with Ankylosing Spondylitis, a chronic inflammatory disease that attacks the spine and joints, often causing pain, fatigue, difficulty with mobility, and worse.

Homeschool has been different than I envisioned. It's difficult to be chronically ill with children, let alone be responsible for their education and attend to all of my other responsibilities. But the things I wanted -- reading together, encouraging a love of reading and creativity, prolonging childhood, having more quality time together -- are happening.

I believe God nudged me into homeschooling; that it was His will for our family. He knows the end from the beginning, so of course He knew when He began to nudge that I would get sick and that chronic illness would be a factor in this plan.

So I conclude that if He nudged and it was His plan and He knew I would develop Ankylosing Spondylitis, He also planned to provide what it required.

I don't write this to compare homeschooling with traditional schooling. The point is the reminder I've experienced: learn to listen. Looking back, I see that the best aspects of my life began with just a nudge.

...a little rain must fall

Be still sad heart and cease repining;

Behind the clouds the sun is shining,

Thy fate is the common fate of all,

Into each life a little rain must fall,

Some days must be dark and dreary.

Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

It's raining outside my open window. My back rests against a heating pad and cool air drifts in. I am still sick. It has been over four months now. Soon I'll be going to the specialist, and all I want is answers. Some people think a diagnosis is just a label, but that's never how I've felt; I think a diagnosis is a tool to help you find options.

I am homeschooling my 6 year-old this year, and we are having a great time learning and bonding. Little sister (3) is keeping busy with preschool skills such as coloring, painting, cutting, learning to write her name, her ABCs and 123s. My heart is very content with this decision. 

My health is challenging right now and there's a lot of uncertainty there. What is wrong, what are my options for treatment, will I get better or will I get worse, what will my future look like? With all of that, it is so wonderful to have made a decision we feel at peace with regarding our daughters' education this year. We're having such a good time baking, making art, learning about the solar system, writing, and doing all sorts of math. 

I'm simplifying my life as much as I can, and trying to learn what I can do without overdoing, what will help, and what I will have to pay for tomorrow. Not only do I have to walk slower, I have to live slower.

Journaling is helping me process my questions and fears, as well as keep track of my symptoms. I am thankful to have friends on this journey, so thank you for being here.