Some of my favorite blogs are written by women with health problems -- cancer, lupus, RA, AS. Others inspire me artistically or encourage me in my faith and motherhood. A couple others are just fun -- how she organizes her house, for example.
But I realized tonight when I logged into my blogroll to check up on some of my blog-writing friends that the blogs I check the most frequently are the ones that show the authentic truth -- the good, the bad, the ugly. I like to see the view from the mountain top when my friend has conquered obstacles, and I like to be allowed into her fear and sorrow valleys when something isn't going well. I like the whole picture.
It's been quite a while since I've written. I'm not really sure what to say. My life has had some mountaintop views in the last few months, and it's had some valleys. The thing I look for most in other blogs -- vulnerability -- is what's hardest to share on my own.
And isn't that life, the ups and downs, the mountains and the valleys? And isn't it disorienting when it's both all at once? That's how my life feels right now... mountain top views and valleys of fear and sorrow.
I've been mostly better with AS. A lot better. I'm in a flare right now, and that's discouraging, but mostly lately I've been so grateful to be feeling so much better. I've been busy Reclaiming my life -- organizing my house, catching up on myriad things, renewing relationships, reclaiming myself. That's been good and busy and I realized a couple weeks ago that although the pain was vastly better, I was exhausted and was perhaps overdoing it with the Reclaiming. Then I flared up and the old stuff came back -- nausea, low-grade fever, broken spine in the mornings, and stiffness and pain in joints that felt almost cured.
I knew I had overdone it and was pushing too hard. But the thing I'm finding is that once in Reclaim mode, it's really hard to go backward. It's really hard to find the time to rest more.
A new symptom occurred and tomorrow I'm going in for some tests. The old fear flares back up with new symptoms. But I'm trying to live in the now. Not in the tomorrow, not in the next year, not in the what if.
Perhaps soon I'll pop back in and tell you some of my adventures I've had Reclaiming.
For now, if you're one who blogs "Real", please know that it matters. And that it encourages me to blog real too. Much love and warm hellos to all.