5 Years Ago

5 years ago this month, i was pregnant with you
5 years ago this month, i craved mexican food
5 years ago this month, we were about to move from the home where you began
5 years ago this month, i was still nauseated
5 years ago this month, everything was going perfectly
5 years ago this month, we'd already chosen names for you
5 years ago this month, we'd already purchased your crib bedding
5 years ago this month, i knew nearly nothing about the many terms for losing a child
5 years ago this month, we didn't know yet that we'd never get to hold you

5 years ago next month, a lot of things changed forever

p.s. {if there was any doubt, i still miss you}



Sometimes after my family is asleep, I sit on the floor in my kitchen with only a small light above the oven to write by. I brew a cup of tea and set it beside me and uncap my pen and write. I think in ink, it's the best way for me to get at my truest thoughts and that's where the insights hide.

Sometimes the rain pours down outside the back door and I can hear the music that falls in sheets.

When I really have things to say, or I know I need to process or heal or grieve or be completely without distraction, this is my little ritual. Without distractions, I can write 3-5 pages before I get so uncomfortable I can't take it anymore. There's just enough light that I'm not tempted to do something else; the range light over my stove is like a spotlight reminding me of where I am to be and what I am to be doing.

It's in these late-night, dimly-lit moments that the answers come. Sometimes no answers, just peace. Sometimes no peace, but relief.



I was thinking the other day of a perfect way to explain my current experience of illness and subsequent choice to simplify my life:

You know when you're driving along and you get to a hill, and if you stay in the gear you were in on flat ground, you won't be able to make it up the hill? So what do you do {those with a stick shift, like me}? You down shift. Flat ground and a higher gear worked fine, but trying to climb a hill? Forget it, you need to shift down.

So that's what I'm doing. Shifting down. Shifting down so I can make it up the hill.

I'm starting to have some better days. Less pain, or less stiffness in my joints. Not as exhausted. We should know soon how much my medication will help.

And bad day or good, I am loving this life of simplicity.

Baking, nesting, organizing, tea time, homeschool, laundry, journaling & creativity, oh how you feed me!

What's feeding you these days?
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