Good, Bad & Ugly: A Weekend to Remember

It's been one of those good, bad and ugly weekends.

Friday morning I woke up with my back out, and having that on top of the normal AS spine and hip pain was highly unpleasant. I couldn't move much without it spasming. I couldn't sleep well.

I tried hot baths with Epsom salts, my TENS unit, ice, heat, meds, Biofreeze, stretching, everything I could think of. No luck.

Saturday began with one of those days I dread -- grappling in pain, nauseated, crying. I missed church with my family and then my husband was called out for work.

My awesome parents came to the rescue, volunteering to take both girls for the afternoon. My husband came home. My older daughter ended up going to Grama & Papa's for the whole afternoon which morphed into a sleepover. Usually the girls stay at Grama & Papa's together, so going alone was a very special treat for our 8 year-old.

Jonathan and I took the opportunity to have a special evening with just our youngest, reminding me of the years before she was born when we had one-on-one time with her sister.

We got pizza, stopped at Redbox, and made a special bed in the playroom for Natalie, at her request. She stayed up late and we giggled and munched a chocolate chip cookie together in my recliner and then we tucked her into her little makeshift bed with her favorite blankets, stuffed bunnies, nightlight and music.

Jonathan and I watched another movie together in bed, as I again struggled to find a way to be comfortable.

Even though a good share of the day had been full of fun and sweet moments, I went to sleep near tears, discouraged and weary of the constant fight with pain and illness.

Today dawned a new day of light and love. My back is still out, my joints scream if I move in certain ways, my fingers are swollen, my hips are throbbing and pain radiates down my legs. But I feel hopeful today.

Some days I just can't fight. That doesn't mean I'll give up. It means I'll endure as graciously as I can until the next day, when I will search out inspiration and good things and by God's grace I will fight again. I will fight to balance this chronic disease and its daily attack on my body and my life with my dreams and goals and desire to make this life legendary.

I will work to leave a legacy of faith, creativity, and intentionally loving well.

This Year

in 2012 I want to...

read more books

take more breaks

use my time more efficiently

stress less

love better

make time for myself so i can be more giving to my family

be more present

keep taking stock of gifts and beauty around me

keep being grateful

see the ocean more

listen to more music

write more

worry less

encourage more

laugh a lot more

take better care of myself -- again, so that i can take better care of my family

what do you want more and less of in 2012?

Celebrate the Moments, Release the Expectations

It's been about a month since I was here last, typing in this space, and I've missed it. The month of December is overwhelming in almost every way, and add in a chronic illness that flares and it becomes quite a challenge. Having said that, I find it the most magical time of the year and I had a great Christmas season. I will share some of our moments with you soon.

For now though, we are starting a new year and I am trying to choose my One Little Word for 2012. I started this tradition in 2010 with the word Nest. I chose that year to focus on our home and family. I wanted to create a cozy, warm, artful home and focus on nourishing my little chicks.

In 2011, I chose Still.  I was diagnosed in 2010 with a chronic autoimmune disease, and I wanted to remember in 2011 to slow down, to rest (both physically and mentally), and to remember that no matter what, God still has a plan and a purpose for me.

This year I want to continue to learn how to celebrate the moments while letting go of expectations. I don't want to live on auto-pilot. I don't want to do things because I should do them or because they are expected. I want to spend my days on things that my family has chosen and implemented because we feel they are worthwhile.

I want to slow down in the moments -- unlearn multitasking every moment and remember that sometimes multitasking doesn't lead to getting more done, it just leads to frenzy and not really being able to focus.

This year I want to practice the art of being present in each moment. I want to give the person or task in each moment the undivided attention it deserves. Life is a gift. Every moment of life is a gift and it won't be back. We spend it while we live it -- whether we are present and absorbing it, or wishing it away, or too busy to notice it slipping by. I am still trying to determine the best word to use for that. Any thoughts?

So are you choosing a word for the new year? I would love to hear about it in the comments. If you've written a blog post about it, feel free to link to your post in a comment. And if you haven't chosen a word, but have something you are resolving to do or improve at, tell us about it. I'd love to hear where your heart and head is as you are starting your new year.