3.04.2012

Popcorn, Canes and Contentment


I'm in a flare (maybe the last one didn't end, as my husband says). I've been using the cane again and spending as much time as possible in bed.

My husband Jonathan is a tall French Canadian with broad shoulders and an equally big heart. Tonight I was in bed with my older daughter. We were just hanging out, discussing important topics. While she designed our dream house on paper in pink ink, I did some Windows Shopping (what I call shopping online when you're not intending to buy anything...) So she's sketching out our new and improved home and I'm perusing new bedding for our new and improved bedrooms, and out in the kitchen Jonathan and our younger daughter Natalie are making popcorn.

Pretty soon I hear him say to Natalie, "Okay, I think we're going to go eat in Mommy & Daddy's bedroom," and here come my sweet 5 year-old and her handsome daddy, carrying a tray full of popcorn, bowls and our family's favorite toppings -- brewer's yeast (aka nutritional flakes) and grated cheddar. A stool for my laptop and a box of wet wipes and we're ready. All four of us get arranged in the Big Bed and we put on a movie, dim the lights, and start munching popcorn. Pain or not, I'm content.

It's hard to feel so poorly so much of the time. The pain can be really scary; it can whittle me down to an exhausted, impatient version of myself. I worry sometimes not only about my future, but about what this may be doing to my daughters and my husband.

I read a quote that says something like children who are raised by a mother with crutches will learn to walk with a limp. The concept haunts me as I limp out to the kitchen this morning, holding onto both hall walls for support as my oldest runs unprompted to bring me my cane.

The new nerve pain is scary and hard to deal with. A simple grocery shopping trip reminds me how bad I am doing as I begin to limp and have to get my folding cane out of my bag. People look, confused, at this thirties mama who is wearing boots and a skirt, holding hands with a little girl and yet clutches a cane and walks with a limp. It is easy to just look down and not be bothered by their inquisitive stares, but I try to look up and smile at them instead. This makes me happy, because I am showing them that while I may walk with a cane, I am just fine inside.

Before I go to bed, I go into the bedroom my girls share, and check on them. I love this quiet time every night, the maternal feelings that wash over me as I smooth hair out of their faces, tuck them back in properly, pat their sweet little selves. Tonight I feel a lump form in my throat and I think, "If the trade off for all of this love and happiness in my life is AS, I will bear it gladly."

16 comments:

  1. "I read a quote that says something like children who are raised by a mother with crutches will learn to walk with a limp." I tend to think that of it differently, children who are raised by a mother with crutches/limp/pain/etc will learn compassion and look deeper into other humans before making quick assumptions. My two kids were six and eight when I was diagnosed with RA. They have always felt pride in helping me and determination to be the best they can be. Why? They see me doing the exact same thing. You are giving your girls so many wonderful gifts such as popcorn night with the family in bed. These will be memories they enjoy forever. Lucky girls!

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  2. Thank you for this post and for sharing your perspective. You encourage me to keep persevering through the trials in my life.

    I'm sorry you're (still) in a flair. That's a hard place to be. I'm so thankful that you have a loving family who helps to make it bearable.

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  3. Sprinkling some magic fairy dust on you! This way you can start to feel better. Compassion is learned and compassion is truly something we sorely are lacking here in the US lately. Having children see first hand someone with a different way of walking is a sure way to teach compassion. Your children will grow up in a house filled with love, one supported by compassion and caring. I only wish all children could have such a loving environment to grow up in. Feel better!

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  4. Hugs that this flare will end soon.... I think everyone I know who has neuropathic pain is in a flare right now. I suspect it's from the weather. That's the reason for mine, I think, at any rate.

    Feel better soon!

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  5. I think, as others have posted, that it is FAR more likely that your girls will be compassionate and sensitive to people who have "differences" than be negatively affected by your pain. While I wish with all my heart that it is not a cross you have to bear, the resulting beauty of character that is blooming in your precious girls is a silver lining! (((HUGS!)))

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  6. Thanks Cathy, it's nice to hear from someone who has been walking this path with kids. Thank you for the encouragement.

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  7. Thanks Shari, I hope you are feeling better soon too!

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  8. Thank you so much for your beautiful words. We have always emphasized compassion, so thankfully they have that foundation already. This will just build on it. And love, yes, there's definitely love here. <3

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  9. How special to have family time together like that. Your girls will treasure these experiences. I'm so sorry that your pain and symptoms are so severe. I do agree with what other posters have said though. I think if you used your illness as an excuse to get out of things or avoid life, that would cripple your children; but I don't see how they can help but be bettered given your example of honesty and gratitude no matter what the circumstance. You're saying it, you're writing it, and you're living it, and they're learning. That's a huge blessing, not a hinderance. Love you!

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  10. I agree with the previous commentors - your children will learn compassion for those hurting. They will also treasure the time spend with you, something that can slip away too quickly by busy, running-here-and-there lives. God takes what may seem ugly to us and makes something beautiful from it.

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  11. Peggy, I couldn't agree more about the hectic lives being lived today. We have had to slow our life down out of necessity, and I do love all the quality time we spend together.

    Thank you for your comment!

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  12. Thank you for your beautiful comment, Wendy!

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  13. You encourage me too, Rachel. Glad we aren't alone.

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  14. I can so relate. I deal with a chronic illness too. Sometimes when I'm in a flare I can really get down on myself because I can't always do everything I want for my kids. I hope they are learning compassion from me. My prayers go out to you!

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  15. Thank you, Tanya! One of the things I value about this blog is the community we are forming. It's so good to know we're not alone.

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