It's been one of those good, bad and ugly weekends.
Friday morning I woke up with my back out, and having that on top of the normal AS spine and hip pain was highly unpleasant. I couldn't move much without it spasming. I couldn't sleep well.
I tried hot baths with Epsom salts, my TENS unit, ice, heat, meds, Biofreeze, stretching, everything I could think of. No luck.
Saturday began with one of those days I dread -- grappling in pain, nauseated, crying. I missed church with my family and then my husband was called out for work.
My awesome parents came to the rescue, volunteering to take both girls for the afternoon. My husband came home. My older daughter ended up going to Grama & Papa's for the whole afternoon which morphed into a sleepover. Usually the girls stay at Grama & Papa's together, so going alone was a very special treat for our 8 year-old.
Jonathan and I took the opportunity to have a special evening with just our youngest, reminding me of the years before she was born when we had one-on-one time with her sister.
We got pizza, stopped at Redbox, and made a special bed in the playroom for Natalie, at her request. She stayed up late and we giggled and munched a chocolate chip cookie together in my recliner and then we tucked her into her little makeshift bed with her favorite blankets, stuffed bunnies, nightlight and music.
Jonathan and I watched another movie together in bed, as I again struggled to find a way to be comfortable.
Even though a good share of the day had been full of fun and sweet moments, I went to sleep near tears, discouraged and weary of the constant fight with pain and illness.
Today dawned a new day of light and love. My back is still out, my joints scream if I move in certain ways, my fingers are swollen, my hips are throbbing and pain radiates down my legs. But I feel hopeful today.
Some days I just can't fight. That doesn't mean I'll give up. It means I'll endure as graciously as I can until the next day, when I will search out inspiration and good things and by God's grace I will fight again. I will fight to balance this chronic disease and its daily attack on my body and my life with my dreams and goals and desire to make this life legendary.
I will work to leave a legacy of faith, creativity, and intentionally loving well.
Thank you for sharing. I am so familiar with those days the strength and determination is no where to be found. Balance and trust is the key, the strength will find its way back and the pain and fatigue will not win.
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry you've had such a hard weekend. Thank you for sharing about it. I'll be praying for you as you continue to persevere. You are leaving a legacy!
ReplyDeleteI'm so sorry that there was so much pain this weekend! I'm glad there are some bits to treasure, time with your youngest little joy, and your eldest little love getting sleepover with Grama & Papa.
ReplyDelete"Some days I just can't fight. That doesn't mean I'll give up. It means I'll endure as graciously as I can until the next day, when I will search out inspiration and good things and by God's grace I will fight again." I have copied this into my quote journal. I know that feeling very well, but I struggle to have grace toward myself when I can't fight for the moment. Thank you for that.
I'm so sorry for the flare and the pain. I wish I had more to offer than my inadequate words! I will continue to keep you in my prayers and pray for more days that you feel like you can. Sometimes however, I completely understand that surrendering is the only thing we can truly muster. Hugs sweetie! You are leaving a legacy of faith, creativity, loving well and living well- you are!
ReplyDeleteI really appreciate your honesty on your journey of trying to live this life with chronic pain. My heart goes out to you. I will be keeping you in my prayers. You are such an encouragement to me! I feel like some days I just can't fight either. I have a hard time surrending to "what is" and remembering that tomorrow I may have less pain.. Thanks for the reminder.
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