Still

Last year was my first year to adopt a "Word of the Year" and I encouraged you to choose a word as well. The idea behind Word of the Year, or One Little Word as Ali Edwards calls it, is to choose a word to focus your year or your mindset for the year. It's a way to set a very specific priority.

Last year I chose Nest. Nest served me well in 2010 as I focused on raising little girls, making our home a refuge, homeschooling, nourishing our family with fresh bread and hot soups, and creating a comfortable and peaceful dwelling place. When illness struck, it reminded me to simplify; to use my energy wisely.

This year, I mulled over three different words before choosing Still.

A couple of posts ago, I reported feeling better, that although still not well, my treatment plan was helping me. Soon after I typed those words, my condition flared up again.

It's hard to paint a picture for you of what my life is like right now. If you live near me and see me out and about, you might see me limping or looking fatigued, or you might see me looking put together and think I was fine. The truth is that if I'm out and about, it usually means that either I'm having a better day than most, or I have responsibilities I must fulfill. Either way, I expend a great deal of energy, and may well pay for it for days to come. What you don't see is the pajamas and slippers, the heating pad and the pain meds, the recliner and the bed, the rest times and the struggle to get to the phone before it stops ringing.

This health trial has drawn me closer to God, and for that I am truly thankful. I find myself drawn into His hands and His presence in a new way. One that feels richer and more vital than ever before. I don't know what tomorrow holds and sometimes I fear the future and its possibilities, but I know that He is holding me.

So I chose Still ...

• To remind me to rest, both physically and spiritually ("Be still and know that He is God." Psalm 46:10)
• To encourage me that no matter what, God is still the great God He has always been, He still walks with me, and I am still His girl ("I still belong to You; You hold my hand." Psalm 73:23)

 "My health may fail, and my spirit may grow weak,

but God remains the strength of my heart; He is mine forever."
Psalm 73:26  {new living translation}

I want to remember that I am special and God still has a great purpose and plan for my life. Life in a recliner? God can still use that, especially if I am writing for Him. Life in a wheelchair? God can still use that too, no problem. I know, too, that despite physical adversity, if I keep my attitude positive and my eyes open, I will grow. I can still do what I've always felt called to do -- encourage. I can still be a mom and be a good one, even if I can't do everything I want to, or do it alone, or do it perfectly. Sometimes perfection is just perception anyway.

I want to remember to stand tall and keep fighting and not give in to the lies that I am not good enough. I am still just what God can use.

Once Upon a Time: A (Not So) Fairy Tale Ending

Once upon a time there was a happily expectant family. Already blessed with a child, they were thrilled to be pregnant with their second child. They told all of their friends and family, purchased crib bedding and nursery decor, and the pregnant woman went to bed every night with her hand on her belly and What to Expect When You're Expecting on her nightstand.

And then something completely unexpected happened. Towards the end of her first trimester, the woman went in for an ultrasound, and with no warning whatsoever, was told that her baby had died.

We are that family.
I am that woman.
That was our reality just over five years ago.

A procedure was done and I went home no longer pregnant.

And then, perhaps because I was doing such a good job of keeping it together emotionally, my body fell apart.

Four surgeries happened: in January 2006, again in January 2006, January 2008, and March 2008.

And in between the surgeries, we were given the gift of joy: another baby. Born healthy.

And in between the surgeries and the pregnancy and the delivery and the raising of two beautiful girls, my body continued to throw a fit, this time in the form of chronic pelvic pain, often severe.

So here we are today, five years later, and our daughters are healthy and happy. Our youngest recently turned 4 and we are gearing up to celebrate our firstborn's 7th birthday, later this month.

And we are still one child short of what we expected.

So just after the 5th anniversary of losing our middle child, whom we named and loved and miss, we decided to pay tribute, somehow, to the memory of that sweet baby we wanted so badly.

Allow me to introduce to you a little boy who has stolen our hearts. This is Cristian:

Cristian is a little boy from South America, about to celebrate his 5th birthday. It is our privilege to sponsor him through Compassion International*. Cristian was born just a couple months before our baby's due date.

Sometimes Happily-Ever-After doesn't happen, but in this case, we found a way to make some good from bad.


*If you have never heard of Compassion, please take a moment to visit their website and learn more about them, 'Like them' on Facebook, or even consider sponsoring a child. 

Safely Abiding

Natalie is our snuggly child. As a newborn she was rarely content unless she was being held, and she particularly wanted to be held by me. Now, four years old, she still loves to be with me, whether I’m loading the dishwasher, folding the laundry, working at the computer, or resting on the couch. No matter how small of a space there is next to me, she loves to squeeze in. When I realized this, I began inviting her into the “niche” wherever I was and soon she would ask, in her version, if she could sit in the “mitch.” Wherever I am, she often wants to be. She craves the security of my presence.

And isn’t that just how we find ourselves, spiritually, sometimes… yearning for the security of His presence? In Psalms 91, David addressed this idea when he wrote, “He who dwells in the shelter of the Most High will rest in the shadow of the Almighty.”

When she’s tired, lonely, afraid, or just wants to connect with me, Natalie asks for the “mitch.” Every day she subtly reminds me where to turn when I am tired, lonely, or afraid; how if I seek God, I will find Him, and that in His presence, there is joy.

Whether I find myself alone in a tight spot of resentment, bitterness, or insecurity,  or just want to connect with God, I want to be His “mitch-dweller.” Tucked safely under His wing, I’m right where I want to be – living in the shadow of His grace.

(in)courage: A Beautiful Spot

One of the things I most yearn to do in this life is encourage people around me. Since I was young I have wanted to help those who hurt, lift people up, and point them to the One who offers true healing.

In 2009 some fabulous ladies got together and teamed up with DaySpring to create (in)courage. If you have not yet been introduced, allow me to tell you a bit about this amazing site. (in)courage is all about offering hope and encouragement to women everywhere. At (in)courage, there are new doses of inspiration and authenticity served daily. 

(in)courage is a community and a project I am passionate about; I am honored to be featured today.

Have you ever felt like a dirty stain? Like despite your best efforts, your character was irreversibly stained? Click here to read my (in)courage story.

Christmas Pages

 Merry Christmas from my home to yours!

 

I wish you and yours a wonderful Christmas!

{Don't forget to watch for the miracles....}

Health, Happiness & Homeschooling

It's been a while since I've written about my health and I thought I'd post an update. I was diagnosed with Ankylosing Spondylitis in September. Our first attempts at official treatment have helped quite a bit, especially with morning stiffness and overall ability to function. I am still in pain everyday, and still have days that my energy is compromised. I sometimes limp, due to hip problems, knee problems, or difficulty with foot pain. Sometimes I still run low-grade fevers and feel flushed and ill, but not as often as before. I still don't feel well, but am very thankful to be feeling better!

I try my best to maintain a positive attitude, choose joy, and find myself seizing opportunities more often, as there is always the possibility that my mobility may be greatly effected in the future. There's fear in that uncertainty, but I am learning to take joy in the gift of today, and not worry about tomorrow.

On vacation, laughing at the bottom of my first sledding run

Homeschooling continues and I love seeing the girls learn new things, grasp new concepts, and see Hannah's reading improve. I love seeing them dash to the kitchen table to pull out workbooks, journals, markers, crayons, scissors, tape & glue. One of the things that most excited me about homeschooling was the flexibility, more time with my girls, and the ability to emphasize a love of learning, literature and creativity, in addition to the basics of education. 

We have a lot of fun reading aloud together. (We are currently reading the Betsy, Tacy & Tib series, the All-of-a-Kind Family series, the Grandma's Attic series, and the Samantha {American Girl} books, all of which feature little girls living in early-to-mid 1900s.) 

We recently took a family vacation to the snow. We had a WONDERFUL time making snowmen, sledding, swimming and simply being together. Christmas movies, a good book, a constantly crackling fire, and hot cocoa made it even better.

My little family

Sledding with Hannah - Willing us both to remember this moment

Sweet Sisters & their snowman with the icicle nose!

Hannah's two front teeth are coming in just in time for Christmas, and we are just around the corner from her 7th birthday.

Natalie just turned 4 and we celebrated her birthday on vacation. She loves coloring and working in her preschool workbooks and LOVES bunnies.

And now, home from vacation, we are accelerating into full-steam-ahead Christmas mode. Our little family adores this time of year and all of the traditions and memory making, like pumpkin pancakes & coffee before tree-hunting, making cookies, the music & the must-see-yearly movies, taking the girls to choose inexpensive presents for each other, writing by the light of the Christmas tree, big mugs of hot cocoa with dreamy clouds of whipped cream & candy canes. The lights, the chill in the air, the wonderment.

I am learning that chronic illness can be, if I choose to let it, a great gift. It makes every day that I am able to engage in life that much more special. It adds another layer to the perspective loss has taught me: Don't take this day for granted.

The Incomparable Gift

In our family, this is a season of celebrations. It began with Thanksgiving, a beautiful time of family & friends, food and reflecting on all we count as blessings. A few days later, we celebrated one of those blessings, our younger daughter Natalie, as she turned four. In just a few weeks it will be Christmas, followed by Hannah’s birthday, which falls in mid-January. With our girls’ birthdays’ bookending Christmas, it is also a season of gift-giving.

I've been reflecting lately on the verse in Psalms that defines God as an "ever-present help in trouble." Wanting to get to the heart of this text, I turned to the dictionary to help me create this version:

"God is our [protection from danger or distress] and [capacity for endurance]. [At any time, in any way], He is a [gift] to us, always [in view or at hand] in [any state of difficulty]."

Wow! That's not a gift you can pick up at the mall. It's not something you can buy with a gift card from the relative who doesn't know you well enough. It is a gift that God is offering you. The same god who has known you since before you were put together, and who will always know the cry of your heart and what you really yearn for; the same God who gave this world a gift without equal or comparison, His son Jesus.

From the moment we hear the name of Jesus and accept the gift we are being offered, He shows up. It's just that simple. He will be there in any circumstance -- in the joy of celebration or the desolation of loss. At any time, in any way, He is a gift.