My Miscarriage Story - Final Part

It’s been 5 years this week since we said goodbye, and not a day goes by that I don’t think of the baby we lost.

Between then and now, I had 5 surgical procedures and a lot of pain, both physical and emotional. It's been quite a journey.

Miscarriage is not what I once thought. Before I experienced it, I thought miscarriage was sad, a disappointment, a setback… I didn’t realize that miscarriage forever changes you; that the baby you lose is a child you will grieve, that even if you have a healthy child the next time, it doesn’t replace the loss. Children aren’t interchangeable. With each of my babies I formed a unique bond.

Losing our baby has changed me. I cry more easily when others hurt. The lense through which I view the world is different now. Loss has sharpened my perspective.

I also hold so much tighter to my daughters. Losing one has helped me not to take my girls for granted. I now view every healthy baby as a miracle. The process from conception to birth is so intricate, and I feel so lucky that I have two healthy children here with me. Natalie was born healthy and hearty (at 9&1/2 pounds) the year after we miscarried. I hesitate to use the words "our family is complete" -- I suspect no matter how many kids we could have, there would always be one missing -- but she is a piece that belongs to this puzzle, and she has brought us great joy. As they say, joy comes in the morning. For me, joy came in the mourning.

I believe we will hold our baby in Heaven, and that this loss will be redeemed there. Until then, I don’t know that you can fully heal. Maybe you just learn to cope; integrate the loss into the fabric of your life.

What helps me the most is to hold onto my faith. The hope I have in Christ is real, and I could not walk this road without Him.


  1. *tears* Your children are blessed to call you Mommy.

  2. Thank you so much for posting. It really helps to know from someone who's gone through this what I can expect. Not a day goes by that I don't miss my angel baby. More than anything I would love a chance to hold her again in my arms.

  3. Thank you for letting me share the journey with you. I remember the 5 surgeries and the pain you've had since as being very traumatic, but I feel like a member of my family (you) lost a child, and that enlarges my understanding for what others have experienced. I love Hannah and Natalie, and I know there's a child missing until heaven. I love you!

  4. Jennifer, after reading the various parts of your story here, my heart breaks for you. Though I don't know you, I feel this urge to reach out and give you a hug. I so appreciate your openness here, as I think there are misconceptions about grief. Our losses are not always redeemed here on this earth and I don't know that we completely heal until then. Grieving the loss of a child is not just some open-and-shut case where you grieve for a few weeks and are then all better. I think, as you said, that the loss is integrated into the fabric of your life. Though it may be a thread that you wish were not there, remember that God is the weaver and that He makes all things beautiful in His time.

  5. I just read your story and I'm left in tears. You have a beautiful way of writing. You have created a wonderful resource here for mama who have lost babies due to miscarriage.

  6. Thank you so much, Shari. Your comment means a lot to me.


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