Between then and now, I had 5 surgical procedures and a lot of pain, both physical and emotional. It's been quite a journey.
Miscarriage is not what I once thought. Before I experienced it, I thought miscarriage was sad, a disappointment, a setback… I didn’t realize that miscarriage forever changes you; that the baby you lose is a child you will grieve, that even if you have a healthy child the next time, it doesn’t replace the loss. Children aren’t interchangeable. With each of my babies I formed a unique bond.
Losing our baby has changed me. I cry more easily when others hurt. The lense through which I view the world is different now. Loss has sharpened my perspective.
I also hold so much tighter to my daughters. Losing one has helped me not to take my girls for granted. I now view every healthy baby as a miracle. The process from conception to birth is so intricate, and I feel so lucky that I have two healthy children here with me. Natalie was born healthy and hearty (at 9&1/2 pounds) the year after we miscarried. I hesitate to use the words "our family is complete" -- I suspect no matter how many kids we could have, there would always be one missing -- but she is a piece that belongs to this puzzle, and she has brought us great joy. As they say, joy comes in the morning. For me, joy came in the mourning.
I believe we will hold our baby in Heaven, and that this loss will be redeemed there. Until then, I don’t know that you can fully heal. Maybe you just learn to cope; integrate the loss into the fabric of your life.
What helps me the most is to hold onto my faith. The hope I have in Christ is real, and I could not walk this road without Him.
*tears* Your children are blessed to call you Mommy.
ReplyDeleteThank you so much for posting. It really helps to know from someone who's gone through this what I can expect. Not a day goes by that I don't miss my angel baby. More than anything I would love a chance to hold her again in my arms.
ReplyDeleteThank you for letting me share the journey with you. I remember the 5 surgeries and the pain you've had since as being very traumatic, but I feel like a member of my family (you) lost a child, and that enlarges my understanding for what others have experienced. I love Hannah and Natalie, and I know there's a child missing until heaven. I love you!
ReplyDeleteJennifer, after reading the various parts of your story here, my heart breaks for you. Though I don't know you, I feel this urge to reach out and give you a hug. I so appreciate your openness here, as I think there are misconceptions about grief. Our losses are not always redeemed here on this earth and I don't know that we completely heal until then. Grieving the loss of a child is not just some open-and-shut case where you grieve for a few weeks and are then all better. I think, as you said, that the loss is integrated into the fabric of your life. Though it may be a thread that you wish were not there, remember that God is the weaver and that He makes all things beautiful in His time.
ReplyDeleteThank you all.
ReplyDeleteI just read your story and I'm left in tears. You have a beautiful way of writing. You have created a wonderful resource here for mama who have lost babies due to miscarriage.
ReplyDeleteThank you so much, Shari. Your comment means a lot to me.
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