A Baby with a Name

{our sweet firstborn, touched by loss at a young age}

Six years ago today I went to the hospital, pregnant with a baby with no heartbeat. Some hours later I went home to my pig-tailed firstborn, not quite two years old, no longer expecting our second, a baby we were going to name Benjamin Jack or Sierrah Grace.

Some weeks later, in the beginning stages of grief, Jonathan and I decided to name our lost baby. I have never shared that name publicly. It has felt too personal to me, too sacred.

We named our sweet little one Jordan.

Jordan means "Descendant" which I loved because this was our child, whether we got to keep him (?) or not. Jordan can be a boy name or a girl name, and although we have always felt our baby was a boy, we have no proof of that and no way to know.

I loved that it is a Hebrew name, just as Hannah is. I liked that even in death, they shared something.

I also loved that this baby, so wanted and so loved, had a name that began with the same letter as both of his parents.

So there's no birth certificate, no hospital baby bracelet, no ink-stamped little footprints, no announcement picture. But there's another child in my heart. Not just Hannah and Natalie, but Hannah, Jordan and Natalie. I have two living children; two here to hold and to raise, and a third I hold in my heart.

Jordan Lynn: carried in my womb for 10 weeks; carried in my heart for a lifetime.

Never forgotten, not for a day. Particularly remembered every year on this date, November 10th.


  1. Oh...how I hurt for you. My best friend also miscarried (it was her first) and they named that baby CJ, using initials for the first boy and girl names they had chosen. They now have two healthy children, a boy and a girl, whose names each start with one of those letters. Siblings bound together even without ever meeting. How special! I long for a day when no one will have to experience this pain again. Thank you for sharing your journey with us.

  2. Jenn, tears streaming down my face. Beautiful! I love Jordan, that was the name I picked for our baby had we not been able to tell if he was actually a he. I love all that you said, for it is also the cry of my heart right now. That I have 4 amazing children and each have been a blessing to us, but we only get to parent 3 at this time. I too, hold Elisha in my heart. I can't wait to meet our precious Elisha and your precious Jordan!

    God is so amazing and I hope and pray you feel his ever close presence today! Thank you for your support during our hard time, your heart is just absolutely beautiful and I am and have been so blessed by you! I also pray that just as you have been there for us that I can be there for some other woman. Praying for you today.

  3. <3 <3 <3 <3 <3...one for each of you.

  4. Beautiful, Jen. Thank you for sharing with us. Sweet Jordan, you are loved...

  5. Precious baby Jordan. What a beautiful and meaningful name you chose. I am so sorry for your loss. My heart hurts for you. May the Lord bless you and comfort you today.

  6. I'm blinking back tears to even be able to type. I have only lost friends' babies and had my heart ache for them. I am so sorry for your loss. What a wonderful place Heaven will be when all these babies that left this world before ever living in it are reunited with their familes who have missed them forever. (((HUGS!)))

  7. Ohhh, I'm so sorry for your loss. You wrote this so beautifully and I can feel the ache in your words. Thank you for sharing your precious child with us. Jordan is a wonderful name and I am honored you chose to share it with us. Hugs to you...

  8. I have been thinking of you and praying for you all day today. It still makes me cry, six years later. I look forward to meeting Jordan in heaven. I'm very sorry. I love you!

  9. Beautifully written!! Your post brought tears to my eyes. I too, understand your feeling of loss.
    I have 6 beautiful children but only raised 4 of them. Many years after losing both my little ones, who were in between my 1st & 2nd, I sought more counselling to deal with my grief and I also named them (Matthew & Rachel). For me that gave me a sense of peace and I knew I would see them again one day in Heaven.
    I prayers and thoughts for you at this time... may you have peace! xxoo

  10. Good Morning to you - wanted you to know you have an award waiting for you at my blog - Congrats! Enjoy a nice weekend...http://thebetterbaker.blogspot.com/2011/11/i-love-getting-and-giving-awards.html

  11. my sweet sis-guin,this brought tears to my eyes.i always wondered your childs name because in reading these blogs i new how much this child ment to you and your family.i love you lots and sending lots of gentle hugs.you are in my thoughts and prayers


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